Wednesday, January 27, 2016

All-out, All-in

At 31, I don't have everything figured out. Quite frankly, where I am now is in a much different place than I have planned to be when I was younger (emotionally, physically, professionally, etc.). There was a time in my 20's when I envisioned myself living and working in a foreign country. There was a time when I'd be all for joining marathons and all the training that comes with it. Basically, there was a time when I thought I'd be everything I want to be and have everything I want to have by 30. 

Such a lofty and arduous ambition, right? At some point during the last couple of years, I was not okay with most everything that's happening..or not happening. I felt like there was a barrier, a road block to those aspirations. The struggle is REAL, so to speak. 


There were also times I'd question myself if I've made the right decisions, at the right time. Was this xx too soon? Is this xx too late? Should I have done this xx instead?? During my lowest points (okay, I'm not even going to blame hormones on this) I'd read, cry and sulk (all the feels!!!!) while my family's asleep. Sometimes Daddy A would wake and see me crying and comfort me, and sometimes he's just asleep! Hahaha.. Real talk? 2014 was especially challenging when we became parents for the first time. Changes here and there, pressure points everywhere.

I can't say I've gotten over all these..but what I can say is that I'm coming to terms with most of them. What helped me most was my husband's love and patience, rediscovering Mama Mary's help through the Rosary and of course, reading God's Word through some helpful books I've stumbled on in those dark times. 

One story that knocked some sense in me was the journey out of Egypt and in the desert for 40 years. Imagine that! Long story short, I truly could relate that right now in my life, I'm in the desert. This does not pertain to where I'm living but rather, what I feel within. But my hope is in God that by leaning in, praying, trusting Him and His plans and working for His glory, He will one day lead us out of the desert season of our life. 

I may be afraid but I will not let it paralyze me. I know now that at 31, life is just beginning for me and my family. And it's okay to not have everything figured out by now. A huge part of our success or failure lies in how we take action. I am God's work in progress. Sure there'll be mistakes, but I'll learn from them. Starting today, I'm going all-out and all-in!

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